Complete 180

Hello,
I am writing a new blog post because it's been requested. Not only that, but I feel like people could benefit from this. Since my first blog at the end of January(3 months later), I've changed, for the better.

Let me address the problems I was having and the solutions I've found, or still in search of.

• My roommate situation: It was a NIGHTMARE. She refused to leave. She refused to pay bills. I had to threaten her with a 3 day pay or quit notice, in which she finally responded to. She moved out on Feb 1st. It was a miracle. She left her room a disaster: marks/dirt all over the walls/carpets, old disgusting furniture, trash everywhere, a hole in the door, etc. It took me 7 days to clean everything, move the furniture to the street, steam the carpets, etc. I interviewed 10 people off of craigslist. I actually found a handful of people that I liked. I decided to go with a gay guy named Dougie. I say "gay guy" because I've never lived with a gay guy and I've lived with everyone else. He is very responsible and it's going great! Some days when I'm in the kitchen I think: oh shit I better get into my room before *my old roommate* comes out... then I realize that she's gone... and I'm immediately at peace. 
• My apt carpets... are soon clean. I rented a rug doctor from Ralphs and I did all the steam cleaning myself. It took a long time and was tedious. I would recommend it to anyone looking for a cheap way to clean carpets. I've had many people say "wow, your apt looks cleaner" I say "Thanks!" and in my head I say "you have no idea how hard it was to get that compliment"
• My weight. At the top of February, I think, I weighted 140lbs, my heaviest. I say "I think" because I didn't own a scale. Well... thanks to Bianca and ClassPass, I've officially lost 10lbs. It was no easy task. I bought a scale. I bought ClassPass. Classpass is an app that let's you take fitness classes around the area for $120/mth. I LOVE IT!!! I HATE working out, so this let's me go to different gyms everyday so I never get bored. I've tried aerial fitness where you hang on cloth from the ceiling... I hated it because I got motion sickness... BUT I tried it. Every single morning I go to a fitness class. I started off very weak and embarrassed, but I went in saying "Who gives a shit if I don't look like these LA bitches with their Lulu Lemon tights, I'll get there." AND I DID! Now I walk into classes like kickboxing and leave thinking "that was way too easy" Now I'm going to Sweat Garage, Brick Crossfit, Cross Train LA, heated yoga with 5lb weights, etc. I up my weights every week. I have arm muscles that I've never seen before. I eat healthy. I'VE CUT OUT ALCOHOL... to 3 glasses of wine a month. I've cut out soda, salt, and dairy. The only think I adopted was the need for a sweet treat. I have Bianca to blame for that, but BIANCA saved my life!
• My motivation. I get excited to sit in front of my computer and just tear through my to do list. I have mailed postcards and headshots to over 30 agents. Only 2 have responded so far. 1. Above The Line Agency, said no. 2. Trio Talent Agency, said yes, and after 3 meetings I am now represented by them for Commercials!!! I even got a new haircut and added highlights... feels good!
• My friends. I don't really have time for friends. I'm working on so much for myself, and I love it. I see my bowling friends on Wed and Thurs, I see my friends at work, I see my writing friends at meetings, I see my best friends on their birthdays. That's all I really need now. It's funny because when I first wrote my blog, and was borderline suicidal, I didn't even hear from some of my closest friends, but maybe its because they knew I'd pull through. I'm going to give a shout out to some amazing people in my life who have been beyond supportive: Bianca M, Matt W, Joey S, Erika P, and Tom M. Thank you guys so much for your support and love! 
• No pets. Who gives a shit? Don't need one, can't have one. 
• No boyfriend. Who gives a shit? The guys that I use to adore are now trying to talk to me again, and I don't give a shit. It feels great! I went on a date, without alcohol, and it was great. He is an amazing guy. He treated me like I should be treated. 
• My printer. I got it hooked up to my laptop. It really wasn't that hard to do.
• My car. Is still a piece of shit. It needs $1500 of work to pass the smog check, so I'm just going to get a new car. 2 Saturdays ago, my car broke down right before my sketch show. It was a NIGHTMARE! I tried to get it towed, but the tow company was an hour late and by the time they got there, I had to leave it, then I called the cops and they said it was impounded, then after doing a show... the tow company had gotten it back to my apt. There it still sits. I've been taking the bus. I need to save up for a down payment. So, this is still a problem that needs to be solved.
• My serving job. It's still shitty, but I've had a better attitude about it. I want to give yoga the credit for that one. I HATED yoga, but I started taking heated yoga at Earth's Power Yoga, and it's so inspiring. Not only do I sweat my ass off, but it gives me time to reflect on myself and how I treat others. The other day, on a busy as hell shift, a woman I was serving saw how hard I was working and left me $100 tip on a $27 check. A true angel. I think it happened because I prayed the night before. I do, however, see my current serving job as a root to my stress. I think maybe I need a new part time job.
• SAG. SAG is something I'm extremely proud of. In my first blog post, I mentioned that I cheated to get in. Even if that is true... I've had SO many SAG jobs after that. I've paid my dues and attended meetings. I'm completely devoted to SAG. 
• No auditions. I've had some pretty awesome auditions in the last 3 months. I've been busting my ass to get my name/work out there. I paid for a website domain name: www.nicoleleannenelson.com and for a week created my website. I worked on 2 BIG TV shows. I've filmed 2 sketches with HOOCH. I am up for 3 new shows right now!! May is going to be so awesome that I may even have to turn down a job!!!
• Everyone hates me. No, they don't. There are and will always be people who hate on other's successes. I've even seen some people being negative to me and instead of fighting them, I thought, maybe I can change their thoughts about me, and I try to turn things around... half the time it works! 
• My sketch group. HOOCH is my life. However, I fell after our last show... not fall fell... fell in my composure. I started to feel lesser than everyone. While we were out having drinks after the show, I let my emotions get the best of me. I'm still trying to figure it out. Am I mad at myself for not being more attractive than I am? Am I really not that great of a writer as I think? Am I being completely selfish? I don't know. But I professionally apologized for my actions and I'm working on finding out why I feel lesser than everyone else.
• My bills and debt. I am still behind on bills because I need to pay for $350 new headshots on Thursday. I've been saving money by not going out, buying alcohol, expensive foods. All my tax money is gone. So this is still a struggle, but I'm spending my money on things that benefit me now. 
• My landlord is still being hard on me about things like: cleaning the oil in my parking spot from my car, not keeping stuff in my parking spot, blah blah blah... BUT he and I actually talk now and he helped the tow company get my car into my parking spot. So I'd say, success there!
• Can't sleep. I'm still having trouble sleeping at night, but I've started to go to bed no later that 11pm now. That's INSANE, compared to when I used to go to bed at 3am. I can't wake up at 8 am every morning to workout unless I get rest and don't drink the night before. 
• Waking up in the morning. My favorite thing right now is going to my workout at 8am and afterward going to a new cafe nearby. I grab an iced americano, a salad, and call my mom and dad. I tell them all the awesome things happening in my week. It's great! 
• My dad. He will always support me in my career choice. He just hates seeing me in a bad state of mind. I've always said he should be my manager. He has helped me financially all these years out here in LA and I am soooooooo grateful that he is able to do that.
• My siblings. I've been in contact with them a lot more now. We all do Fitbit challenges together. My family is very independent, but we are that way because we are all driven to be great. My mom, brother, and sister are all trying to lose weight too. Fitbit challenges are an awesome family support system. I text my sister almost every week with news. 
• Lastly, my mom. She is the reason I can write this blog post. She is the strongest person I know. If anyone can get beat down and rise up higher EVERY TIME... it's her. She is the shining light in my life. How lucky I am to have been born as her daughter? Thank you God!

All of that being said, I'm am still struggling. I'm struggling to be a nice person, I'm struggling to book a hefty role, I'm struggling with my body image, I'm struggling with money... but I've come a long way. Am I happy? Honestly, I won't say yes. I'm not quite there yet. 

Thank you to everyone how has given a damn about me. 

I've also been going to church and reading about God. I am now a lector there on the weekends. It helps to think of yourself as a child of God. To go out and do God's work. To have him on your side. To witness a miracle whether its tiny or huge. Thank you God.

Until next time.

-Nicole

I did stuff.

Today was... productive and... enjoyable.

I started the day off with a 10am SAG-AFTRA member orientation meeting. I almost didn't go because I didn't want to wake up, but I made myself get up. The meeting was 3 hours long. I learned a lot and I got a pin... that I(literally) kissed when I got home.

After the meeting, I met an old bowling teammate/friend, Adam, at Swingers on Beverly. (It's a cafe)
He listened to my problems, and gave me some great advice. I value him in so many ways. He, too, is in "the biz" and knows the ups and downs.

After lunch, I took a GST fitness class. What is that? well, it had a lot to do with springs on a wall and Enya music... I freakin loved it! It was relaxing. I'll definitely go back.

After the class, I walked to Samuel French(a theater/film book store) and bought $50 worth of materials:
-agency mailing labels
-Backstage Callsheet book
-"The Steal Like An Artist Journal"(It makes you do creative writing.  I thought it might jumpstart my brain.)

After the book store, I walked to the Fedex store and bought $40 worth of shit:
-2 packs of printer paper
-a gel pen
-a notebook
-transparent sleeves for headshot mailing

After that, I walked home. I then did a load of laundry. I sorted my agency labels from over the years. I took a shower!

Then I went to Gracias Madre(fancy vegan place) for Dine LA with Jason, Shannon, Erika, and Danielle(some co workers whom I've been friends with for 5 years)

I surrounded myself with good vibes/people all day and it was nice.

Right now, I fought of the urge to grab drinks with Erika and instead work on my acting materials.

Tomorrow I have a Pure Barre class at 9am, then work, then bowling league. I hope I can keep up this momentum.

I went to the bar...

Not the bar, but Pure Barre.
Last night, I went to sleep at 1am thinking I'd get up at 9am... NOPE! I had to force myself to get up by 11:20am so that I could walk to my 11:45am Pure Barre exercise class.

My friend from my sketch team, Bianca, encouraged me to sign up for ClassPass. (you pay $119/mth and can take different exercise classes around the area) SO I DID! I bought it. Why? because Bianca is my friend, she wants to take spin class with me, she has a nice body, and she works hard for it. I want to be like her. Why? because she's real.

I'm not going to lie in this blog. That said, I didn't like being in that barre class. But... I stuck with it. I didn't understand anything that was going on, but I will go back on Thursday and try again. It was the least pretentious fitness class I've taken in LA.

While in the class, I realized that I am WAY WAY out of shape. I've never been this way. My wrists hurt, my ankles hurt, my flexibility is shit, my legs were shaking... I hated feeling like that.

After my work out, I walked home. On my walk I saw a luggage repair shop and went in. I scoured the place for my stolen bowling ball bag, interrogated the owner, and left.

I thought, hmmm I should just go for a run since  I'm already sweaty. I'll just go up to my apt and get my earphones... NOPE. I don't want to run. I'm going to sit down for a minute.

Then, my dad calls...
He found out about my blog(he's not on Facebook) He said a lot of my list is money based. So he's going to help me chip away at the list so I'm not as mentally bogged down.

Then, my friend Roxy called... she wanted to know how I was doing, and... offer me a role in a filmed sketch this Saturday! Awesome, right?

I've only been the type of person who... for example: Needs to have paper, so I cut down the tree in a day.
I'm attempting to be a person who: Needs to cut down a tree to eventually make paper, so I remove the branches and "chip away" at the truck. Ah, metaphor.

My dad asked me to make a list of things I'm grateful for. I said I can't do that because I hate everything right now. Here's an attempt:
-people reaching out to me
-my iPhone 6 plus
-my sweatpants from GAP
-my family
I think he wanted me to make a list of my accomplishments... eh whatever.

I have a GST Praxis fitness class reserved for tomorrow at 3pm... whatever the fuck that is!

I'm still alive...

It's been 3 days since I posted my first blog entry.... and I'm still alive.
My mother is a genius.
After I wrote the first post, I got an overwhelmingly large amount of well wishes from:
-old managers & old friends
-current friends(not "friends") & current managers
-acquaintances
-childhood friends
-random people, and so on.
... and I cried ALL day reading all the love sent my way. I felt, well... cared about. Like people would actually care if I died. It's interesting, I've actually been very genuine and nice to people since all that.

The post got over 600 views in an hour at 8am and is currently at 3,000 views. I don't care about views. It's not why I posted it. I just fucking posted it. (Go figure 2 yrs of learning how to write comedy, when I shoulda been writing drama...)

People said:
-call me right now!
-go see a therapist right now!
-come with me to yoga
-go to church
-let's have lunch
-read this article
-watch this video
-let's go to spin class
... and I don't feel like doing any of those things right now, but they are very nice offers and I might take them up on it... one day.

Some assholes said:
-you got the attention you wanted
-typical dramatic Nicole
-nice to see you not being egotystical
-everyone deals with these things, you're just human
... and I'm thinking... THIS is why I hate myself, because people think I'm a piece of shit! Yeah, there's people WAY worse off then me, and they are still happy/positive. OK, well I'M NOT THEM. I'm just saying, that I'm not ok. I'm depressed, big time. This is what's real. It's not a show.

Someone said: Everyone always posts things that make their lives look happy and amazing all the time. People compare their lives to that, but it's not all happiness.
I DO THAT A LOT! I compare my acting career to(what feels like) ALL my friends who are booking stuff, big stuff. I know a 7 yr old on 3 TV shows. All my friends are signed with great managers and agents. It's like, WHAT THE FUCK am I doing wrong? Hmmm, let's see:
-I put $1000 into "raved about" classes
-I just shelled out $1000 for new headshots
-I'm on all the casting sites
-I bought a $300 professional microphone to record Voiceover from home
-I attend underground casting workshops
-I'm on a house team at a top improv/sketch school
WHO DOESN'T want to fuckin' SIGN ME!????????
It makes me feel ugly, worthless, OLD, not talented, not funny, not friendly, etc.

I need to stop drinking alcohol. I got drunk last night, and I thought about slitting my wrist. I would never do that sober. So, I think I need to stop drinking.

Anyway, I did walk to Ralph's that day. I bought 2 recipes worth of food. On my walk home, I waved to a cat. I haven't had time to make a meal until tonight. Trying!

What's real right now

My mother told me to write a blog about what's real right now in my life...

I'm not good. I'm terrible actually. I cried ALL night and morning. I feel like my life is joke. Let's see... I'm 32 years old living in LA, moved from bum fuck Maryland. I have "dreamed" of being an actor since 8th grade. I've lived in LA for 8 years now and I have nothing to show for it. 

-My current roommate is a terror and refuses to move out. 

-My apt carpets have hideous stains on them that I can't afford to clean right now.

-I'm at my heaviest weight right now, like 135 lbs... I don't know because I don't own a scale.

-I am not motivated AT ALL to do anything.

-I've pushed away all my "friends"(friends in quotes because it's LA and everyone is temporary/fake)

-I have no pets.

-No boyfriend(not that I want or need one, but I'd be nice to have someone who wants to see me more   than a few times)

-My printer won't connect to my new computer, YES NEW computer because my old one died!

-My car is a piece of SHIT. The window won't go up. So I have to transport my 14 lb. bowling ball up and down the stairs, because my old bowling equipment of $700 was stolen from my car a few months ago.

-My car has to pass a smog check before I can re-register and that's 4 months late because I can't find the paper!

-I hate my serving job. I've been there for 6 yrs and I still get treated like shit there, but I won't leave because I've put in 6 yrs and it pays well and is flexible for a part time job that allows me to work on my acting career.

-I'm in SAG and I LOVE SAG, but I cheated to get in. I paid $300 for a class that gave me a "pass" to get into SAG. 

-I haven't had an audition in... a long time, maybe a year.

-I don't have an agent or a manager.

-Everyone hates me, why? because I'm a bitch, why? because I hate everything!

-I'm in a sketch group that I love and devote a great deal of time and work to, but this show on Saturday, I was only cast in 3 sketches, one including my own, and the other parts have one line.

-As I'm typing, my new computer that was $2,700 is not working properly.
-I'm behind in bills(who isn't?)
-I'm in debt(who isn't)
-My landlord hates me.
-I can't sleep at night(I can't sleep before 3am)
-I can't get up in the morning.
-My dad probably secretly wishes I wasn't pursuing acting.
-My siblings never call or text or Facebook or anything...me.

In short, I'm depressed. I wouldn't mind if I died. I won't kill myself because I hate pain, but I thought, God just give me cancer, because I deserve it more than others. And honestly, that's the nicest thing I've ever said. 

So... this is not just "lip service" (a term my mother used just now)... or is it? I had to google the meaning.

So, I guess right now, I'm going to read the cookbook my mother just gave me called "Cook Your Butt Off". I'm going to pick some recipes, and walk to Ralph's to buy ingredients. She also bought me a Fitbit surge watch that I'm wearing.

I guess I wrote all of this down to... document... look back on... share my struggle... release tension... I don't know. We'll see. 

This is a picture of me after crying for hours. Just raw, unedited, uninstagramed... me. I am destroyed. I need to rebuild. I need a rebirth. Hopefully this blog gets better...