My mother is a genius.
After I wrote the first post, I got an overwhelmingly large amount of well wishes from:
-old managers & old friends
-current friends(not "friends") & current managers
-acquaintances
-childhood friends
-random people, and so on.
... and I cried ALL day reading all the love sent my way. I felt, well... cared about. Like people would actually care if I died. It's interesting, I've actually been very genuine and nice to people since all that.
The post got over 600 views in an hour at 8am and is currently at 3,000 views. I don't care about views. It's not why I posted it. I just fucking posted it. (Go figure 2 yrs of learning how to write comedy, when I shoulda been writing drama...)
People said:
-call me right now!
-go see a therapist right now!
-come with me to yoga
-go to church
-let's have lunch
-read this article
-watch this video
-let's go to spin class
... and I don't feel like doing any of those things right now, but they are very nice offers and I might take them up on it... one day.
Some assholes said:
-you got the attention you wanted
-typical dramatic Nicole
-nice to see you not being egotystical
-everyone deals with these things, you're just human
... and I'm thinking... THIS is why I hate myself, because people think I'm a piece of shit! Yeah, there's people WAY worse off then me, and they are still happy/positive. OK, well I'M NOT THEM. I'm just saying, that I'm not ok. I'm depressed, big time. This is what's real. It's not a show.
Someone said: Everyone always posts things that make their lives look happy and amazing all the time. People compare their lives to that, but it's not all happiness.
I DO THAT A LOT! I compare my acting career to(what feels like) ALL my friends who are booking stuff, big stuff. I know a 7 yr old on 3 TV shows. All my friends are signed with great managers and agents. It's like, WHAT THE FUCK am I doing wrong? Hmmm, let's see:
-I put $1000 into "raved about" classes
-I just shelled out $1000 for new headshots
-I'm on all the casting sites
-I bought a $300 professional microphone to record Voiceover from home
-I attend underground casting workshops
-I'm on a house team at a top improv/sketch school
WHO DOESN'T want to fuckin' SIGN ME!????????
It makes me feel ugly, worthless, OLD, not talented, not funny, not friendly, etc.
I need to stop drinking alcohol. I got drunk last night, and I thought about slitting my wrist. I would never do that sober. So, I think I need to stop drinking.
Anyway, I did walk to Ralph's that day. I bought 2 recipes worth of food. On my walk home, I waved to a cat. I haven't had time to make a meal until tonight. Trying!
the light is beginning to enter.
ReplyDeletesome people are assholes, no not born that way, but still assholes.
that is their problem, not yours.
you beat me on fitbit yesterday and i shoveled snow for 6 hours-wtf.
you got off your ass and started a new day.
yes, stop drinking...you'll see life for the gift that it is.
focus on the love.
i love you more than coconut...and that's saying a lot!
(insert smile)
stay authentic...it is so easy to fake life.
keep moving forward with an untethered soul (read that book).
keep writing...it is working.
i love you muchly.
To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.
William Shakespeare
yes, your mother is a genius.
ReplyDeletean authentic, real life living genius.
it is amazing what happens when you see the world for what it really is.
a wonderful place to learn the lessons of the universe.
some of those lessons difficult, but you come through with more grace than you had before.
some of those lessons are so great, but you learn to balance through the light and dark.
if there were no darkness, the light would not be so bright.
thank you for the compliment.
i love you more each day.
who's thought that was possible???
Damn! I don't even know you and this is the second time in a week you've made me cry--at my desk at work no less. Please stop writing these honest and heart-felt blog posts; my coworkers are wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. Just kidding. I hope that some truly wonderful shit comes your way soon. Best of luck!
ReplyDelete--Stranger on the Interweb.
Hey. I have a new happy post coming!
Delete