My mother told me to write a blog about what's real right now in my life...
I'm not good. I'm terrible actually. I cried ALL night and morning. I feel like my life is joke. Let's see... I'm 32 years old living in LA, moved from bum fuck Maryland. I have "dreamed" of being an actor since 8th grade. I've lived in LA for 8 years now and I have nothing to show for it.
-My current roommate is a terror and refuses to move out.
-My apt carpets have hideous stains on them that I can't afford to clean right now.
-I'm at my heaviest weight right now, like 135 lbs... I don't know because I don't own a scale.
-I am not motivated AT ALL to do anything.
-I've pushed away all my "friends"(friends in quotes because it's LA and everyone is temporary/fake)
-I have no pets.
-No boyfriend(not that I want or need one, but I'd be nice to have someone who wants to see me more than a few times)
-My printer won't connect to my new computer, YES NEW computer because my old one died!
-My car is a piece of SHIT. The window won't go up. So I have to transport my 14 lb. bowling ball up and down the stairs, because my old bowling equipment of $700 was stolen from my car a few months ago.
-My car has to pass a smog check before I can re-register and that's 4 months late because I can't find the paper!
-I hate my serving job. I've been there for 6 yrs and I still get treated like shit there, but I won't leave because I've put in 6 yrs and it pays well and is flexible for a part time job that allows me to work on my acting career.
-I'm in SAG and I LOVE SAG, but I cheated to get in. I paid $300 for a class that gave me a "pass" to get into SAG.
-I haven't had an audition in... a long time, maybe a year.
-I don't have an agent or a manager.
-Everyone hates me, why? because I'm a bitch, why? because I hate everything!
-I'm in a sketch group that I love and devote a great deal of time and work to, but this show on Saturday, I was only cast in 3 sketches, one including my own, and the other parts have one line.
-As I'm typing, my new computer that was $2,700 is not working properly.
-I'm behind in bills(who isn't?)
-I'm in debt(who isn't)
-My landlord hates me.
-I can't sleep at night(I can't sleep before 3am)
-I can't get up in the morning.
-My dad probably secretly wishes I wasn't pursuing acting.
-My siblings never call or text or Facebook or anything...me.
-I'm behind in bills(who isn't?)
-I'm in debt(who isn't)
-My landlord hates me.
-I can't sleep at night(I can't sleep before 3am)
-I can't get up in the morning.
-My dad probably secretly wishes I wasn't pursuing acting.
-My siblings never call or text or Facebook or anything...me.
In short, I'm depressed. I wouldn't mind if I died. I won't kill myself because I hate pain, but I thought, God just give me cancer, because I deserve it more than others. And honestly, that's the nicest thing I've ever said.
So... this is not just "lip service" (a term my mother used just now)... or is it? I had to google the meaning.
So, I guess right now, I'm going to read the cookbook my mother just gave me called "Cook Your Butt Off". I'm going to pick some recipes, and walk to Ralph's to buy ingredients. She also bought me a Fitbit surge watch that I'm wearing.
I guess I wrote all of this down to... document... look back on... share my struggle... release tension... I don't know. We'll see.
This is a picture of me after crying for hours. Just raw, unedited, uninstagramed... me. I am destroyed. I need to rebuild. I need a rebirth. Hopefully this blog gets better...
Have your tried taking to God?
ReplyDeleteJim!
Deleteget your ass moving.
ReplyDeleteyour mind will follow.
take one step forward.
you can glance back, but what is back there is over.
today is now.
take care of now.
be real.
be you.
you are an amazing person with more talent than you even know.
this is a great start.
now get your ass moving.
you are so dearly and deeply loved.
i created you and i know what i'm saying.
this is a great start.
now...get your ass moving.
:)
Im am sorry for your sadness. Since we've friended on FB I have seen all that you have done and have been proud of you. When I look at you I remember the good old days back at Fallston High sitting next to you laughing our heads off, talking about boys an so on. It puts a smile on my face just thinking about it. Take a min and think back to your greatest memories growing up and see that you are worth eveything and have the drive to do what ever you want. Stay positive, I know it's hard but I believe in you.
ReplyDeleteR.O
Thank you!
DeleteThank you, Nicole, for sharing. Truth is, I have had similar struggles for many years now. I was never cut out to be an actor: I'm too lazy and thin-skinned, and I never really had it in me to make a career. The day I realized it was the day I was cast as Meg in Damn Yankees; I never had the passion you had, which is why I knew you would make it as an actor, and I never would. I know HOW to be successful: I know the logistics and I know how to help others get there. YOU can do both. You are a great director, and as far as I can see, you seem to have found your niche in this new sketch comedy endeavor. As far as "cheating" to get to where you are, you ARE a member of SAG. How many others from "bum fuck MD" have similar resumes? You are one of the hardest working people I know.
ReplyDeleteSometimes people try to cheer me up when I'm depressed. It doesn't help me; what seems to help is letting myself acknowledge how hard I work and how passionate I am about my work. If you still have that passion, that inconsolable passion you had that day the D.Y. cast list was posted, you should continue to pursue your true love for as long as it takes, no matter how many times you get rejected, no matter how many times you feel worthless. You knew getting into this business how far the odds were stacked against you. And you have beaten those odds so many times. And I've watched everything. Every grand moment you had in the spotlight, I basked in your success and proudly proclaimed, "That's my friend! She's an actress in Hollywood!" And I am legitimately so proud of you. So. Proud. No matter how many or how few movies you're ever in, no matter how many of how few agents you have, or if you are ever famous, I'm proud of you because you don't give up. You are so determined and passionate. Your spirit is so inspiring. You ARE an actress.
And if you no longer have that passion, either pursue it, trying to find it again (try Julia Cameron's THE ARTIST'S WAY), or do something else. You can do anything. That's the beauty of life. You are in charge of your own happiness.
Depression comes and goes, but satisfaction is a choice.
Something that constantly rings in my head is "Comparison is the thief of joy." Mairzy told me, "And for God's sake, stop comparing yourself to people!" Just be Nicole. Because aside from your mom, you'll always have at least one other person who loves you, who believes in you, and who is a huge fan.
I cried through all of this. I love you!
Delete...i think i love you Diana Moore...i told her pretty much the same...but coming from you it will make a bigger impression. sometimes i think your child thinks you only say what you say at times because there's this hidden mom code. i don't adhere to that code very often. i tell my kids the truth...as gently as i can (usually). nicole will read your words and see your words as light. a light she needs right now...thank you.
ReplyDeleteWell, I think you're pretty awesome. Living in LA is tough and we are all going to go through a lot of shit while we work towards our goals. I really enjoyed working with you in sketch class and thought you would be a fun person to get to know outside of class. Your writing was fun, you did a great job in all the sketches you performed in and I admire your no nonsense attitude. (Thinking back to that east coasters get stuff done chat we had one of the first days in class.) Anyhoo. I think you're cool and we should hang soon because I think you're a cool person that my other friends would like too. I'm screening a couple Best Picture Nominee movies with some peeps at my place this Saturday at 2pm and 6pm. (Double feature matinee style.) Feel free to join us! Direct message on FB or email me if you want to watch movies (same email as the one I used in UCB sketch 301) and if this Saturday doesn't work for you. Maybe next. And...you did it. You got out of your home town and made it to LA. Not everyone can say that. You did it and you've got bigger things to come.
ReplyDeletexoxo Krishna
I'd love to hang out with you sometime. Thank you!!
DeleteHave you thought about trying an acting career in a town that gives a shit? Seriously la is SO NOT the only place to do this. Chicago. Dc Seattle. San Diego even. Places that are big regional theatre towns. Utah. Just a thought. Try it. La is always here. But don't let your life be ruined by this fucking place. It's not worth your happiness.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I do love, is LA... so much! I'd never leave.
Delete