I did stuff.

Today was... productive and... enjoyable.

I started the day off with a 10am SAG-AFTRA member orientation meeting. I almost didn't go because I didn't want to wake up, but I made myself get up. The meeting was 3 hours long. I learned a lot and I got a pin... that I(literally) kissed when I got home.

After the meeting, I met an old bowling teammate/friend, Adam, at Swingers on Beverly. (It's a cafe)
He listened to my problems, and gave me some great advice. I value him in so many ways. He, too, is in "the biz" and knows the ups and downs.

After lunch, I took a GST fitness class. What is that? well, it had a lot to do with springs on a wall and Enya music... I freakin loved it! It was relaxing. I'll definitely go back.

After the class, I walked to Samuel French(a theater/film book store) and bought $50 worth of materials:
-agency mailing labels
-Backstage Callsheet book
-"The Steal Like An Artist Journal"(It makes you do creative writing.  I thought it might jumpstart my brain.)

After the book store, I walked to the Fedex store and bought $40 worth of shit:
-2 packs of printer paper
-a gel pen
-a notebook
-transparent sleeves for headshot mailing

After that, I walked home. I then did a load of laundry. I sorted my agency labels from over the years. I took a shower!

Then I went to Gracias Madre(fancy vegan place) for Dine LA with Jason, Shannon, Erika, and Danielle(some co workers whom I've been friends with for 5 years)

I surrounded myself with good vibes/people all day and it was nice.

Right now, I fought of the urge to grab drinks with Erika and instead work on my acting materials.

Tomorrow I have a Pure Barre class at 9am, then work, then bowling league. I hope I can keep up this momentum.

I went to the bar...

Not the bar, but Pure Barre.
Last night, I went to sleep at 1am thinking I'd get up at 9am... NOPE! I had to force myself to get up by 11:20am so that I could walk to my 11:45am Pure Barre exercise class.

My friend from my sketch team, Bianca, encouraged me to sign up for ClassPass. (you pay $119/mth and can take different exercise classes around the area) SO I DID! I bought it. Why? because Bianca is my friend, she wants to take spin class with me, she has a nice body, and she works hard for it. I want to be like her. Why? because she's real.

I'm not going to lie in this blog. That said, I didn't like being in that barre class. But... I stuck with it. I didn't understand anything that was going on, but I will go back on Thursday and try again. It was the least pretentious fitness class I've taken in LA.

While in the class, I realized that I am WAY WAY out of shape. I've never been this way. My wrists hurt, my ankles hurt, my flexibility is shit, my legs were shaking... I hated feeling like that.

After my work out, I walked home. On my walk I saw a luggage repair shop and went in. I scoured the place for my stolen bowling ball bag, interrogated the owner, and left.

I thought, hmmm I should just go for a run since  I'm already sweaty. I'll just go up to my apt and get my earphones... NOPE. I don't want to run. I'm going to sit down for a minute.

Then, my dad calls...
He found out about my blog(he's not on Facebook) He said a lot of my list is money based. So he's going to help me chip away at the list so I'm not as mentally bogged down.

Then, my friend Roxy called... she wanted to know how I was doing, and... offer me a role in a filmed sketch this Saturday! Awesome, right?

I've only been the type of person who... for example: Needs to have paper, so I cut down the tree in a day.
I'm attempting to be a person who: Needs to cut down a tree to eventually make paper, so I remove the branches and "chip away" at the truck. Ah, metaphor.

My dad asked me to make a list of things I'm grateful for. I said I can't do that because I hate everything right now. Here's an attempt:
-people reaching out to me
-my iPhone 6 plus
-my sweatpants from GAP
-my family
I think he wanted me to make a list of my accomplishments... eh whatever.

I have a GST Praxis fitness class reserved for tomorrow at 3pm... whatever the fuck that is!

I'm still alive...

It's been 3 days since I posted my first blog entry.... and I'm still alive.
My mother is a genius.
After I wrote the first post, I got an overwhelmingly large amount of well wishes from:
-old managers & old friends
-current friends(not "friends") & current managers
-acquaintances
-childhood friends
-random people, and so on.
... and I cried ALL day reading all the love sent my way. I felt, well... cared about. Like people would actually care if I died. It's interesting, I've actually been very genuine and nice to people since all that.

The post got over 600 views in an hour at 8am and is currently at 3,000 views. I don't care about views. It's not why I posted it. I just fucking posted it. (Go figure 2 yrs of learning how to write comedy, when I shoulda been writing drama...)

People said:
-call me right now!
-go see a therapist right now!
-come with me to yoga
-go to church
-let's have lunch
-read this article
-watch this video
-let's go to spin class
... and I don't feel like doing any of those things right now, but they are very nice offers and I might take them up on it... one day.

Some assholes said:
-you got the attention you wanted
-typical dramatic Nicole
-nice to see you not being egotystical
-everyone deals with these things, you're just human
... and I'm thinking... THIS is why I hate myself, because people think I'm a piece of shit! Yeah, there's people WAY worse off then me, and they are still happy/positive. OK, well I'M NOT THEM. I'm just saying, that I'm not ok. I'm depressed, big time. This is what's real. It's not a show.

Someone said: Everyone always posts things that make their lives look happy and amazing all the time. People compare their lives to that, but it's not all happiness.
I DO THAT A LOT! I compare my acting career to(what feels like) ALL my friends who are booking stuff, big stuff. I know a 7 yr old on 3 TV shows. All my friends are signed with great managers and agents. It's like, WHAT THE FUCK am I doing wrong? Hmmm, let's see:
-I put $1000 into "raved about" classes
-I just shelled out $1000 for new headshots
-I'm on all the casting sites
-I bought a $300 professional microphone to record Voiceover from home
-I attend underground casting workshops
-I'm on a house team at a top improv/sketch school
WHO DOESN'T want to fuckin' SIGN ME!????????
It makes me feel ugly, worthless, OLD, not talented, not funny, not friendly, etc.

I need to stop drinking alcohol. I got drunk last night, and I thought about slitting my wrist. I would never do that sober. So, I think I need to stop drinking.

Anyway, I did walk to Ralph's that day. I bought 2 recipes worth of food. On my walk home, I waved to a cat. I haven't had time to make a meal until tonight. Trying!

What's real right now

My mother told me to write a blog about what's real right now in my life...

I'm not good. I'm terrible actually. I cried ALL night and morning. I feel like my life is joke. Let's see... I'm 32 years old living in LA, moved from bum fuck Maryland. I have "dreamed" of being an actor since 8th grade. I've lived in LA for 8 years now and I have nothing to show for it. 

-My current roommate is a terror and refuses to move out. 

-My apt carpets have hideous stains on them that I can't afford to clean right now.

-I'm at my heaviest weight right now, like 135 lbs... I don't know because I don't own a scale.

-I am not motivated AT ALL to do anything.

-I've pushed away all my "friends"(friends in quotes because it's LA and everyone is temporary/fake)

-I have no pets.

-No boyfriend(not that I want or need one, but I'd be nice to have someone who wants to see me more   than a few times)

-My printer won't connect to my new computer, YES NEW computer because my old one died!

-My car is a piece of SHIT. The window won't go up. So I have to transport my 14 lb. bowling ball up and down the stairs, because my old bowling equipment of $700 was stolen from my car a few months ago.

-My car has to pass a smog check before I can re-register and that's 4 months late because I can't find the paper!

-I hate my serving job. I've been there for 6 yrs and I still get treated like shit there, but I won't leave because I've put in 6 yrs and it pays well and is flexible for a part time job that allows me to work on my acting career.

-I'm in SAG and I LOVE SAG, but I cheated to get in. I paid $300 for a class that gave me a "pass" to get into SAG. 

-I haven't had an audition in... a long time, maybe a year.

-I don't have an agent or a manager.

-Everyone hates me, why? because I'm a bitch, why? because I hate everything!

-I'm in a sketch group that I love and devote a great deal of time and work to, but this show on Saturday, I was only cast in 3 sketches, one including my own, and the other parts have one line.

-As I'm typing, my new computer that was $2,700 is not working properly.
-I'm behind in bills(who isn't?)
-I'm in debt(who isn't)
-My landlord hates me.
-I can't sleep at night(I can't sleep before 3am)
-I can't get up in the morning.
-My dad probably secretly wishes I wasn't pursuing acting.
-My siblings never call or text or Facebook or anything...me.

In short, I'm depressed. I wouldn't mind if I died. I won't kill myself because I hate pain, but I thought, God just give me cancer, because I deserve it more than others. And honestly, that's the nicest thing I've ever said. 

So... this is not just "lip service" (a term my mother used just now)... or is it? I had to google the meaning.

So, I guess right now, I'm going to read the cookbook my mother just gave me called "Cook Your Butt Off". I'm going to pick some recipes, and walk to Ralph's to buy ingredients. She also bought me a Fitbit surge watch that I'm wearing.

I guess I wrote all of this down to... document... look back on... share my struggle... release tension... I don't know. We'll see. 

This is a picture of me after crying for hours. Just raw, unedited, uninstagramed... me. I am destroyed. I need to rebuild. I need a rebirth. Hopefully this blog gets better...